


Chaos

by Occula



Category: U2
Genre: Angst, M/M, moping, woe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-15
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2019-01-17 23:11:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12376095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Occula/pseuds/Occula
Summary: Adam reflects on the consequences of his actions.





	Chaos

**Author's Note:**

> posted on LJ July 11, 2004.

 

What I’ve done to him is worse than what I’ve done to any other person.

What I’ve done to him is fail.

I pretended I could change for him, but I couldn’t. I thought his love would bring out the best in me. It didn’t. I intended to be faithful to him. I wasn’t.

I made him love me, made him need me. Then I failed him. I’m not what I should be.

That’s bad enough, but by disrupting the delicate balance among us, I’ve wrought chaos.

I think Bono’s actually relieved when it’s time to jet off to accept an award or give a talk. He’s safely out of it. Larry tries to hide from it as well; he stays at home with the kiddies as much as possible.

Edge, predictably, has practically moved into the studio.

I don’t know where to seek my own refuge. Certainly not in a bottle, at this late date. At worst, I’ve given up any idea of quitting smoking for the foreseeable future. I’m sulking, but I’m angry only with myself.

How old do I have to be before I learn to break this pattern? To see it coming and defend myself against it?

I can’t stand to be happy. It terrifies me. I fight happiness. I destroy it.

But that gut-churning fear is far better than this maudlin shit. I feel a hundred years old. I’m no happier now than when I was endangered by too much happiness.

I was happy to be loved. I was happy because I began to love him.

And now I’m miserable, because I drove him away and I love him still.


End file.
